Am I Really Helping?
As far back as I can remember I’ve been helping others. As I child, I taught other kids how to dance. I gave away my dolls to those who said they didn’t have any of their own. I gave rides to co-workers whenever they asked. I lent money to help get folks out of a bind.
I’ve given.
I’ve loaned.
I’ve advised.
I’ve pitched in.
I’ve taught.
I rarely said “no” when I thought I was being helpful.
One day I started to feel resentment. I started to feel taken for granted. I stopped giving away dolls when I noticed I only had one left and was forced to say “no”. I stopped giving rides when I realized my friend only called to say “hi” when she was also needing a ride. I started to notice a pattern - I was in relationships that were not very reciprocal. Years of feeling hurt eventually led to growth and change.
I learned that for me, help means the other person is better, more resilient, more capable, has more capacity, and is less dependent on me. If the outcome of my help is them coming back to me for the same thing over and over again, AND I’m not able to go to them for things, then for me, I’m not helping. I now need to use a different mechanism to provide help.
If you’re a long time helper who now finds herself having recurring feelings of overwhelm, frustration or resentment when you help, I offer you these 3 questions to ask yourself:
Is my help taking away the consequences of other people’s decisions?
When you help someone, your boundaries should remain in place. Helping doesn’t look like regularly allowing people to push past your boundaries or ignore them all together. Help happens when you’re doing something for someone that they can’t do for themselves and you’re willing and able to do it. Help is not continuously bailing others out of the natural consequences that comes along with the decisions they make. We learn and grow from life’s natural consequences.
Is my help creating an unhealthy dependence on me?
When you help someone, they become strong, better and less reliant on you. If they keep coming back on a regular basis for the same help, especially if you’re not able to do the same with them, then something is off balance. They have made you the resource. You’ve become the safety they know they can rely on instead of making different decisions. Here’s where a well positioned and thoughtful “no” comes in.
Is my help an unrealistic expectation for myself?
When you’re helping is based in thinking that if you don’t do something, they won’t make it, that’s a form of pride. If you’re helping out of fumes way beyond your capacity or often trying to fix (control) others, and not paying attention to your own needs, that’s not helpful to them or you. Both may drown. We are not always the answer, and helping may look like you recognizing your capacity and adjusting your expectations of yourself to match. You are wise, strong, capable, and yet not everyone’s savior.
My hope for you is that you notice if what you’re doing is helping or not based on the outcomes you’re seeing and make the adjustments. If what you’re doing isn’t really helping, notice it and eventually stop. Knowing when to say “no” is key to help.
Ruth Bell
